I had meditated from
the time I was sixteen, so as I approached motherhood, I was certain I would be
spared those dramatic, stressful moments I saw frazzled parents having with
their children. Yelling or shouting? I would be too centered to succumb to that
level of frustration. Trying to rush my child to get where we were going? I was
confident about my ability to slow down and live in the moment.
Ha!
In theory, parenting
with presence sounds easy enough. Putting it into practice in real time with
real children is another thing altogether. No one can push our buttons the way
our kids can — ignoring repeated requests to come to dinner after we’ve made
something healthy and tasty, or refusing to stay in their beds when
we’ve run out of steam and desperately want to go to sleep. Sometimes we lose
our cool, and our way.
Parenting shows us
just how human we are. Humbling, yes, but if we relax into the experience
rather than resist the difficult moments, it can be one of the greatest
opportunities we will ever have to learn how to love more deeply, live more
fully in the moment and become more open-hearted versions of ourselves. A
blessing of untold magnitude, but one with a never-ending invitation to stretch
and grow.
Here are a few of
the things I have learned about parenting with presence:
Be good enough.
Our children don’t need us to
be saintly or enlightened. We just need to be good enough. Don't allow
mean, critical voices in your head to tell you that you're not adequately
conscious or evolved. That voice -- the one telling you that if you were more
"spiritual," you wouldn't yell at your kids-- is not your friend. It
is only with a heart that is at ease with our imperfections that we can truly
embrace the opportunities for spiritual growth that come with being a parent.
When you lose your way, touch your heart with a “There, there” as you would
comfort a child, and begin anew.
When your buttons
get pushed, look beneath the surface. None of us like being ignored or dealing with tantrums. But when we feel especially
triggered by our child’s unpleasant behavior, unfinished business from our own
childhood may be rearing its ugly head. If your child’s anger makes your blood
boil, it may be rekindling memories of a parent’s explosive temper. If you feel
painfully disrespected when your kids pretend they don’t hear you, it may be
activating the hurt of being ignored as a child. Our children can be invaluable
beacons of light, illuminating our emotional dark corners to catalyze deep
healing and open us to extraordinary dimensions of love and acceptance.
Commit to moments
of full engagement. Most of us
juggle the demands of our lives by giving partial attention to each activity
without being fully present for any of them. We listen halfheartedly to our
child’s story about Show and Tell while our wandering mind thinks over
the emails we need to send. We rush our kids through brushing their teeth,
counting the moments until we can fall wearily into bed. When our kids sense
our divided attention, they often generate chaos and drama to bring all of us
into the room, even if their behavior results in threats or punishments. Focus
on the one thing you're doing, whether it's serving a snack or changing a
diaper. Investing even a few moments of fully-engaged time with your kids can
bring greater joy to your parenting life.
Challenge fear. Many parents are driven by anxiety. What
will happen if she doesn’t finish her homework? What if he refuses to eat
dinner…again? When we are ruled by fear, we tend to come across to our
children as desperate and needy, effectively putting them in charge of our
happiness. Make friends with the worst case scenario so it has less of a hold
over you.
Unplug. These days it is nearly impossible to visit a
park and not find parents checking their devices while the kids play, or
strolling their baby while chatting on their cell phone. Rarely do you see
families in a restaurant without at least one person—often a child— on some
kind of digital device. We all know that the digital revolution has brought
amazing things to our lives, but our children need regular doses of our
presence. Yes, it’s great that you can reach out for the support of your
cyber-tribe when you’re feeling isolated with little kids. But the next time
your cell phone beeps, try staying a little longer in the 3D world.
My now twenty-four
year old son walks into the house as I’m finishing up this article. I feel the
tug of my writing, but the pull on my heart is stronger and I stand up to share
a hug and a few moments of “How’ve ya been?” as we catch up after not seeing
each other for a few days.
I have enjoyed many
soul-nurturing experiences in my life but to this day, seeing my son still
splits open my heart like nothing else can. Through the many rough patches and
the countless days when I fell miles short of being as conscious as I had hoped
to be, this love remains. Pure, perfect and miraculous.
.....
Susan Stiffelman, mft is the bestselling author of Parenting with Presence and Parenting without Power Struggles. She
is a licensed marriage and family therapist, a credentialed teacher, and the Huffington Post’s weekly “Parent Coach”
advice columnist. She lives in Malibu, California where she is an aspiring
banjo player, a determined tap-dancer, and an optimistic gardener. Visit her online at http://www.ParentingwithPresence.com.
Based on the book Parenting with Presence: Practices
for Raising Conscious, Confident, Caring Kids ©2015 by Susan
Stiffelman. Printed with permission of New World Library. www.newworldlibrary.com
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